What Dating From a Distance Taught Me

In April of 2015 after about 18 months of living in the DMV area, I got the opportunity to interview for a promotion in Benton Harbor, Michigan. At the time I had been dating my then boyfriend and now husband for a year and 5 months. So I did what any logical young ambitious woman would do, and I followed my career. That month I interviewed for the job and got it! I was excited! I would be making more money and living in a cheaper location, so I would be able to set myself up better financially. Of course I was concerned about where this left my relationship, but one thing that I always said is that if it is meant to be it will work out, and if not at least I live in a new place. (I know I can be kind of harsh, and I am not even going to lie and say that I am working on it because I am not.) Anyway I had the conversation with my boyfriend Eddie and I said, so what do you think I should do. Do you know where our relationship is headed? He said, well you are right I am not your husband, so do what you need to do. In my mind this conversation was going to go like this... don’t leave me I plan to propose before the end of the year! Of course that was NOT our reality. He couldn’t give me a timeline of when this proposal would happen during that conversation, and that just drove me CRAZY! Before the conversation I was 97% sure that I would take the job, but after that conversation I was 100% ready to officially accept the job offer.    

I am a firm believer that boyfriends don’t get husband privileges, but that’s a different story for another day. Anyway the movers packed my bags and I was headed 644 miles away from the man that I love. This was probably one of the hardest decisions that I ever had to make, but now looking back almost a year into our marriage it was the best thing that I could have done for us.

So how was living 644 miles away from each other the best thing for our relationship?

1. It forced us to communicate! We talked almost everyday. The nice part about being long distance in this day and age is that technology is your best friend! There is email, FaceTime, text messages, Skype, and so many other ways to connect. I always felt connected to him because our communication was on point. It also forced us to have conversations about how we were feeling. The one thing that makes distance so much greater is when you feel like you can’t reach the person emotionally because they are keeping something from you. We had to bring these things up and share them. This level of vulnerability brought us so much closer together. We also did daily pictures so that we could see how we looked each day. Another element that we brought into our daily communication was occasional morning video messages. This was always a nice thing to listen to right before going into work. Planting the seeds of 16 months of communicating from a distance is definitely harvesting during this first year of marriage!
2. We had to get creative. After dating for over a year we took for granted just going out to an event or a museum to spend time together. When you are dating long distance you just don’t have that luxury. We started virtual date night! We would watch movies at the same time and have all of the same snacks. We also would cook together a few times per month. The cooking was so much fun because we would take turns picking out a recipe and then follow the steps together over FaceTime. Then after the meal was completely prepared we would sit down and eat it together.
3. We had to plan ahead. If we wanted to see each other we had to have a plan, but we also took the time to see when the ticket prices were the most affordable. This allowed us to maximize our dollars, and have more weekends together. We were blessed during this season of long distance to be able to see each other about once every month or every six weeks. Southwest airlines was our go to airline for all of these flights!
4. Finally being in a long distance relationship forced ME to face my insecurities. Although I knew that I was making the right decision. I still wasn’t as confident about the decision on the inside. Outwardly, you would think that I was overly confident, but really that was just to compensate for the fear that I was feeling inside. You know what they say fake it til you make it. Honestly after a while I started to truly embrace and believe that I had this level of confidence. Another thing that I realized is that being away and having time to really think, pray, and grow into the woman that God called me to be was an essential step that needed to take place before our marriage. As a single person I would shop to take away pain that I was feeling, but during this time God spoke to me and showed me that as a wife I just can’t do that. I have to confront what is going on and not mask it in other ways. During this time away I cut up my credit cards and paid off about $10,000 in credit card debt that I had accumulated from just purchasing things to feel better. God told me that I needed to grow up and actually prepare myself to be a wife.

Since this post is getting a little long I will end with this. One thing that breaks my heart is that so many young women don’t have this same mindset to follow their dreams. They stay in a relationship for years, or never take their dream job in a new location in hopes of getting that ring all while forgetting about what they want out of life. Your life is not defined by having a man! I also feel that while dating you are not yet one so all of your decisions about your life are made independently at that point. Marriage is the covenant where joint decisions are necessary. I’ll leave that there for now. I will unpack these topics further in future posts!

This is a picture of the business card holder that Eddie gave me before I moved to Michigan. The inside says: When two hearts are meant for each other, no distance is too far, no time too long and no other love can break them apart.