But When?!

The holidays are fast approaching, and for many it’s more of a time of anxiety rather than fun with family and friends. This season is stressful for many because family has oh so many questions and these questions can make the holiday season an extremely painful reminder of all that they have not accomplished this year. Side note getting married, and having babies is not an accomplishment. Staying married, and raising productive members of society is. Also sometimes life throws you a curve ball, and even with your best efforts marriages and children don’t turn out as planned. OK back to the post. This post is for you to share with your family members so that they understand what is appropriate to discuss as you pass the macaroni and cheese...

Single
Don’t
  • Ask why I am not dating anyone. This is painful because if the person truly has a desire to be in a relationship then you just reminded them that it is yet another holiday that they are single. The person may also be content being single, and have no desire to get married and that is ok too.
  • Don’t tell me that my biological clock is ticking. I may not like kids, and don’t ever plan to have them so this is not a concern for me. Or I may really want a baby, but I want to be with the right person first before starting my family. Either way this is an inappropriate topic to discuss.
  • If I have children, and I am not with their mother/father don’t tell me that the kids need both parents in their life I already know this and may carry guilt because of it and you just made it worse.  
Do
  • Ask me how work is going- Maybe I have spent time growing my career before focusing on building a family because there is more to life than marriage and babies. I probably have a really cool job, and would love to tell you about it.
  • Ask what my plans are for the coming year- This opens up a world of conversation I may have amazing travel plans, volunteer plans, or education plans. Don’t think because I am not with anyone that my life is boring.

Married No Kids
Don’t
  • Remind me that you are getting older, and would like a baby in the family or grandchildren before you die. Stop being dramatic! For one you don’t know if we are trying to conceive a child, and it just hasn’t happened for us yet. Second children are expensive, and unless you are willing to help me pay for them don’t ask for them. There are cost with bringing them home from the hospital, and childcare can darn near bankrupt people it’s ridiculous.  
  • Think that we have a surplus of money and that you have a right to ask for it- Sometimes family has expectations of married people with two incomes, and no kids they think that you should be able to help grandma or uncle so and so. That is simply not the case. Plus if you financially support family you WILL be broke. And that family member WILL become dependent on you, and NEVER figure out a solution to THEIR financial problems.
Do
  • Ask what’s new and exciting- we may have recently gone on a trip or recently attended a cool event and we would love to talk about that.
  • Ask us what we are doing to build our marriage- Getting married is easy staying married is the hard part. Couples face so much today and there are constant attacks on marriage. If you have books, or recommendations on how to stay married please share. This is a topic that is under discussed, and we look up and our friends and family members are divorced.
There are other seasons of life as well when you are married and have children the next questions are when are you going to have more? If you have more than two kids when are you going to stop having children?  People then begin to ask when are you planning to buy a house? When you get older it’s when are you going to retire? If your spouse dies it’s when are you going to start dating again? Really thinking before we speak is key. Let’s not further hurt people because we are “curious.” Instead pray for them. Also remember not to force YOUR views of how life SHOULD unfold onto someone else. Everyone’s narrative is not going to be graduate from college get a good job marry the love of their life have 2.5 kids, and the white picket fence and live happily ever after. The amazing thing about life is that everyone’s story is uniquely crafted with unexpected  twists and turns and that’s the beauty of it. Let’s celebrate the uniqueness that everyone brings to the table.

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven… Ecclesiastes 3:1. No matter what season you may find yourself in your life has a purpose. Don’t rush the seasons of life even this holiday season because there is so much to be thankful for in every season.




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